Out

I've never needed anyone. Stories of my infancy are plaguing my mind as I sort through the cause of my divorce. I have been told that I never cried as a baby, that I simply yelped or sighed and waited. Time would pass and if no one came I would let out another sigh or yelp and wait, but I did not cry. Needing help from a world of "cry-babies" when you do not know how to cry is difficult at best, but add forty years to the equation and you find yourself trying to learn how to ask for help from tone def people. It is a curiosity to me how so many people have become so out of tune with seeing needs. I wait and I watch as I see the hurting everywhere I go, but I hear crying and whining from those being nurtured rather than from those whose pain is greater. I see a world we have evolved to sustain the criers rather than to discipline the spoiled. The hurt and lonely are cast out of our sight and kept from audible range. I am outed because I have not cried enough, I have not begged for help, I have not whined in order to be comforted. I am outed, I am broken, and I am cast aside, acquainted with sorrow, bearing the grief of the brokenhearted...Alone. I am.

Loving on the level

The author of confusion often uses the ones closest to us to disrupt our routine enough to bring out the worst in us. Being surrounded by so many who are intimately involved in your life does not make this less likely o happen, in fact it is where the corrupter of faith steps in with more agility to defile the sacred things of God. Perhaps you have had this happen to you in your ministry, or know someone who has experienced this in theirs, whatever the situation it is your responsibility to reach out in love trying not to give advice which only adds to the confusion, but to genuinely love and care for the individual who is hurting. The Samaritan bandaged the wounds and showed love...did not become a GPS for the wounded traveler, did not buy him a map with the alternate route highlighted, He showed love without showing superiority that is what the hurting truly need someone who comes to their level to partner with them. Don't be the GPS of the wrong route, the hurting do not need a satellite transmission we need a partner.

Communication

Perhaps it is our desire to communicate that has destroyed our ability to do it well. We live in an era of multiple communication techniques that have made the quick response the necessity of life. How many words per minute can you type, text, speak? how many words per minute do you consider? Communication availability has cheapened the very principle of relationships. When is the last time you planned on the conversation before dialing the number, sending the letter(email) or opening your mouth? Chances are that the concept of thought has as it has been with me in our instant age been thrown out of the daily conversation. Response is not what it is meant to be. Reaction to a word misunderstood or a quick response to what is going on in the world around us because in this day and age with all the communications coming to us the world is easily mistaken as revolving around the individual without us considering that the world in fact was designed to simply hold us as we circle the sun. Solar flares destroying lives are the communications we send out in quick responses whether friendly or not we do not encourage the intimacy of long distance calls and short term absences reuniting passions that have been longed for for so long. try this out in intimacy write a note, that takes you an hour to word it just right, write a letter that takes you a week to structure perfectly to show your heart not to get your point across. Speak the words of love in gentle tones and listen to the heart not the mouth of those who spin this rotation with you. God forgive me for not fellow-shipping with your creation as you created me for fellowship with You quite simply forgive me a sinner.

Blockage

Veterans paid the price and today we are supposed to pay them tribute, so as I sit to write these words no act of heroic valor comes from any soldier of the visible war, but the veterans of the spiritual wars are plaguing my thoughts. The commentators and dissectors of the word who taught and studied some till death to bring us the uncompromising good news of Jesus. It is to these veterans of the great spiritual battlefront that I recall the great sacrifices giving me freedom to write these words, to study the scriptures, to pray openly in the streets, and to share their work above my own and above any sacrifice at the end of a weapon of physical battle. To God be the glory of my freedom for He is the director of life and He alone is worth the worship adoration and honor thrown at the militant today.

My retirment account

I must report that my retirement account has not grown. I have been fully vested in it for nearly twenty-three years, but it has not changed. I have tried to add to it, but it would not grow; I tried having others add to it, but still no growth. I went to a counselor to see if there was something that I could do to make it better; regrettably, there is nothing that can be done he said that it was sufficient and that although at times it seems not to grow, that if I quit focusing on the results and start focusing more on my work for the granter of such a substantial account that the returns would be multiplied exponentially. I have no 401k, I have no earthly plans that could ever compare, but my retirement is simply the grace and good gift of God.. Eternal life, a place prepared for me by one who gave His life for my mess. My retirement is not like the advice of the world, it is not vested in moth and rust, it is put beyond the grave where my work will finally give way to His rest.

Trial by Fire (I Corinthians 3)

Burning my fields of gold as I sit numbly by watching the flickering flames light up the winter sky. Cold and alone feeling the pain of every seed I planted unto harvest as they dwindle now in the flames of His purifying heat. the soil will receive the nutrients of this burning field, but for all the work and vanity I put into these things my pains and my trials I feel the flames, not their warmth, but a painful burn as all the labor of my life is destroyed so that He can have His field back and I can join with workers to restore His will after my will is broken and burned and devoured. Twenty-eight days of fire left, then come in the land levelers, the tillers and the fertilizers, but that will be after the winter when spring is upon us once more. I await my Easter morning.

lashing out

Christ did it best! To calmly sit and wait for the ideal moment, to weave together not only the tool, but the path to restoration. We do not have that collective about our persons. Many times people have told and encouraged others that remaining calm and working out our mindset to build the bridge of restoration, but our puny human nature is not that of restoration. Rage and defensiveness come in overwhelming our higher moral judgment to the point where all bridges are burned. We do not allow the spirit of God our mediator the holy Spirit to find a way to turn the tables. We try turning our way, the opposition turns them their way, but letting the Spirit turn the tables is to ensure God's perfect will is achieved. Do you see Jesus outside the town as worshipers pas by to trade their goods, gossips, and complaints at the temple? The way mosaic law was written was not being followed, God's intent for man was far gone, the tables were about to be turned..over He took His time. How are our bargaining tables with God and with each other. Seems we have set them upright 2,000 years after Jesus' tantrum. We bargain time after time on the precepts of our religions. Turning the tables on each other for the merits of our offerings and the practices we observe in worship. Do you see Jesus outside our temples yet? Waiting! Braiding His whip. Are we gathered at the table rationalizing our actions in worship, in life, in spiritual growth? Here He comes!

Yeast

Why must the bread be unleavened and the wine be new? If we are to be pure we must not be infected by the world! Advice given to me nearly twenty-one years ago still rings true, "When you go out into that world, do not get any on you." I remember Majed telling me this as I was leaving California for the first time. I tried to understand it back then, but it is only now that this advice comes to reassure me. I have been "puffed up" with the yeast of the world; bloated with all of its comforts and prideful of 'my' accomplishments. Christians are strangers and aliens here, we need not entangle ourselves with these comforts and pleasures, these niceties and riches. Some of us may have the opportunity afforded us to enjoy on the occasion these things, but too often we pursue them to the extent of becoming covered with yeast, swelling up in our minds and in our bodies till like a sourdough we have so many holes in us we can never feel complete. All of this because as we are being molded we let the contaminate of this world fall upon us. Our Exodus is near passover meal must be readied and the leavening be taken out of our house. Recently I observed as a local church removed some of the last elements of leavening from my residence. I went to another church and they filled my residence more peaceable items for a more humble life. It is amazing to me how God works to correct us in our lives. There are only six things that are missing from this house now that I ever want back, but they are as they have always been, His. I am an old wine skin who is ready to be filled with His new wine till I am bursting at the seems spurting His wine upon all mankind. Use me Father keep me unleavened.

Losing heart

It is not a question of faith, but endurance. I have questioned peoples Faith many times and their responses are for the most part that they believe in God's eternal truth; He sent His Son, All who believe in Him will be saved, etc. The real question is do we as believers have the Staying Power? Are we merely in it for the good, or do we face the bad, the horrible times with a faith in His provision that brings Hope? Al of us are weak here. A tickle on our backs or an itch on our heads compared to what Christ endured and we turn tail and run abandoning the integral tenants of our faith, losing the glimpse of hope. Through this shipwreck I have learned to fight through these things. I have been called before the courts for my poor decisions and I must appear regardless of my beliefs in the matter. Off course by countless degrees and stranded in this foreign land where even those who claim kinship refuse the Kingdoms precepts. My request to the Supreme Chancellor and Author of my covenant is that He bequeaths to me full heart in these matters as I am losing what is left through this trial. Though these around me break with Him in harsh tones and actions, I pray that He keep me as Covenantially bound to His precepts. What I have done in attempting to survive and convince my kinsmen of their breaks from His will has only caused distress upon them and they have not returned to His allegiance, but I will not bow to this country, to the ways of this age nor to the heresy of this land. Lord give me strength to carry on, send good counsel I pray.

EGR

I see Him with the palm of His hand upon His forehead, His fingers combing back through His hair till His thumb and wrist graze His ear. I know that feeling of grief and patient peace-seeking is caused by my inability to understand. I realize as I see Him there in perplexity that I am His EGR person. How many times have I sought out to extend the Extra Grace Required to those who do not seem capable of functioning with the others the way that is set as the occasions norm? How many times have I struggled to exhibit patience everything seems helpless and torn? But He has done this for me countless times. He quantifies the balances of greater love and infinite forgiveness. He offer infinite equality over our failings and flaws.

Dynamics

God is here. This all important message is where we must center our devotion. It is not that God does not want us knowledgeable or thoughtful of the future, it is simply that he wants us to not meditate on the things to come. there is a catch to this we are to want the things He will give us. His Kingdom come! yet He is here. He is now as much or maybe more than He is in the future. Not that there will or has ever been less than He is now, just that we are tied only to the now. The question remains If you will not show the world Him in the moment then it is finished. There is no future for that moment or that opportunity and it will not be given to another; it is God's moment to live through you, and it is wasted on your fear of what the world may do or think. I speak boldly with threats against me. I have been driven slowly to anger, though some have said malicious things about how I was suddenly angry it has taken its time in coming. I have weighed out my reasoning and have readied myself for this battle. I knew not that it would be manifest only that in the moment I was told to prepare. The first blow took me by surprise as I was in a lull of training, but with composure I now stand ready for the next opposition, ready to stand, ready to defend, Here, Now, I am!

Again

To love again I would give everything. To hold in my arms the friend that turned away. To love again I would give everything. To speak and listen, to communicate. Everything I have done has been twisted back on me and everything I am has been made to ruin. A man in hidden ways has stolen my family and turned a church against me. These men who slither around with smooth tongues that say they will not get involved or want not get involved strike cruelly with venom where and when you least expect, but my heels are tough from these attacks and their heads are weak. time to crush some skulls!

Addiction

We all have addictions, whether these are socially acceptable is the only way we rate such addictions. there are addictions to food, to alcohol, to sex, to drugs, and to other people, but the most misunderstood addiction I find plaguing our society is this addiction to the contemporary. The addiction to have, to experience, to be a part of whatever is new and popular. Few support the traditional any longer. The world is in need of a new thing. The addiction to the contemporary drives our world to an end. the examples are too numerous to explain, but a few would be the fall of the major department stores and the minor ones in lieu of pop shops or the ever expanding Wal-Mart domination of the needs with wants store or all-in-one store. the church also sees the traditional/sacred sacrificed for the contemporary/worldly...it is true that the church needs to be relevant, but at what cost. do we stand by the door to invite people in, or have we drifted out so far that we can no longer find our own way back? what a dilemma now faces the family as parents do not stay consistent with their beliefs, but blow about in the wind with the latest thing to come down the line. What is in the right hand looks better, so we will go with that for today. Where is the integrity we once set out to uphold? perhaps america needs change, but if you spend all that time changing, do you know who you are by the time you are finished, or is who you are what you most want to change? doesn't matter the contemporary wave will be back shortly and you will feel the need to change once more.

I wish to return to and to remain who and what I am supposed to be. No fusion with the contemporary. No t-shirt and blue jean life...this world needs a constant, let it be me. I wish the world would return to having value, but that would become a contemporary movement of its own that would fade as quickly as skinny jeans, Hannah Montana, flares, and the American family. Just another addiction to distract from the purpose and meaning of life--to honor God.

Thank God

I want to thank you Lord for letting me have nearly twenty years with Sara. I thank you for each miracle you brought my way and as o learn to let go of what is rightfully your I pray that you restore to me the integrity I once sought out in you. Lord help me to learn from my mistakes and continue to restore your correction upon me; make me the man you need me to be and let me not be tempted again unto frustrations o trying to be a man other wante to be. Let me not glory in pleasure of man, but let me humbly accept the lowliness of you. Bless today my children and my wife and let me not forget how to love each as you desire. They are your creation entrusted to my care; let me love again the way you call me. Lord deliver me from hand of your enemy and let your glory fill this temple. Amen

reclamation

There was a man I once was that was bold and confident in who he was and what his purpose in life was, that man has been hiding behind the cynicism and sarcasm of many people in his life lately, but he longs to be free. Just six years ago the joy was sucked out of him in one swift breath and though he tried to maintain his composure the harshness of realities in this religious life left him a cold empty shell, crippled by the depression of losing those who worked to restore joy in everyone they touched. The greatest heartbreak came with the recent death of his wife's love murdered somehow while he was out of town. Some say it was his fault for leaving others her fault for not following. Whatever the motives and reasons for a once perfect love to be destroyed the paralysis is slowly being lifted and his and a reclamation of his birthright is being restored today!

Last words

Today as I sat listening to the playful rhetoric of My grandfathers last words I was brought to tears. Most of the relatives gathered here remembered the cynical drunkenness of a man who was a cynical drunk; however, I remember the words he spoke to me at the end of terminal road as he insisted I take from him the money he offered, "son," he said, "I've been a real son-of-a-bitch as your grandpa. I wish I could make everything up to you, but I feel I don't have time to. Take this money and don't make the mistakes I made. Take care of yourself." He gave me a hug, got into his truck and was never seen alive by family again. Nothing else he had ever done mattered, he was sober, coherent, and honest, for the first time in my life I caught a glimpse of my grandpa as a real man. That's how I remember him, that too is how I wish to be remembered. What his last words were were the summation of his life what he gave me in that moment was far more than the hundred dollar bill that was tucked away into oblivion, he gave to me the wealth of having hugged for the first time in my life my grandfather. I was eighteen and he was gone, murdered beneath the railroad trestle, beaten to death by savage teenagers getting their kicks.

An end to ending

Starting with the truthful lost in unfamiliar ways, I stumble to the point of disarray. The things u once held dearly now all tumble far away and the sight of you is fading from my dreams. Open hearted surgery while not an open chest I feel the scalple slicing what is inside. These thoughts don't bring me half as far as I've already been yet these thought have kept me going since that day. Somehow, maybe someday we both will recollect the day, but this night has seemed to become our only friend. Won't you want a moment deep inside to mend or is the feeling another way to pretend. You can't have loved and left, yet you did.

Misleading

The great lie of Salvation is that it only takes a moment for the miracle to be manifested in the life of the receiver. The truth of salvation according to the scriptures is that it is at work within the believer and the unbeliever; I would conclude that the receivers of this generation have had salvation at work for them for six thousand years; while the faithful before the time of Christ had faith that salvation would come, it was never fully manifested in their day, yet they remained faithful; however, in our time we have seen or heard of salvation and treat it as if it was granted to us, not to be a working force in our lives, but to be a gift or luxury item we can take out and wear at the most convenient of times.

shepherding

No amount of words can describe what the shepherd does. A shepherd does not spend his time explaining the mastery of his art and occupation, for the most part the shepherd simply shepherds. Leading rather than debating, guiding rather than reprimanding. The life of Christ is focused on the concept of active guidance. Christ's sermons are not based on his greatness and the "good news" about who He is, they are simply directed to bettering and strengthening the flock. Pastors today seem to lose the guidance prinipal when they set about their craft; the points of their homilies focus on the reprimand and Christ-ward pointing for justification; however, Christ regarded us that we search our own hearts, but then again that is where He dwells not as these impostor shepherds would place Him in some outward existence nearly beyond the reach of our humanity. Let us return, if we are able, to an existence of coexistence; wherein, man acknowleges that our greatest gift in the flock is the other sheep, that our dealings are to be interpersonal, relational, and spiritual with each other--straight from our hearts.

Being Christ

This act of christian humility does not get to the heart of our true call by Christ to take on His countenance. We must learn that the actions of our faith wil never supersede the existence of our faith. We are not to do Christianity, we are to be Christ the fundamental requirement of our faith is not that we adhere to rules and religious regulations, but that we Love as Christ Loves. It is not as so many have recalled that we love because He loved it is that we are loved therefore we love. Christ is in the act of loving us as we still make mistakes, as we are sinners Christ Loves us! This flesh as it is corruptible is simply a wrapper that encases who we are it has no lasting goodness, no eternal value; whatever we can possibly do in this flesh is nothing compared to what God makes possible through Christ within our souls. The transformation of the infernal into the eternal; whereas, once Christ has entered into the soul the true mark of a man takes place. No longer does man feel that general revelation that there is something greater in the universe, but he is able to move more clearly into the general/specific revelation of what the christian is to advance in, then to the specific/general the direction he is to take in the community and finally to the true specific what he is to be as an eternal being with Christ.

Carnal Death

This thing which has held me to these people, this humanity or family, I know can no longer stand in the way of glory. Love of others while noble and commanded by God can cause failure in following God. Compassion for the ones whom closely we are drawn can keep our eyes far from the path which God has planned for us. It is this carnality, the close relation to other flesh that keeps us often from reaching full potential with Christ. We forsake one for the other. We are so often taught to put others needs in front of our own that we forget to drink of the living water for ourselves. The pator tht is too concerned for his congregation will forsake personal spiritual growth in order to develop a better sermon; always concerning himself with the spiritual needs of others and forsaking his own relationship with God. Likewise a husband concerned with the physical needs of his family may sacrifice his spiritual duty in the community in order to better his family. The list of Christ avoidance's goes on as one considers what it is in this flesh we deem more important than the Spirit. What is it keeping us from being that spiritual people of God? The flesh! We must, therefore, die. laying down the carnality that has trapped us in this life. shedding the old man so that the spiritual man may prosper, it is this advice that will launch the gospel, Lift Him up not be lifted up by Him, not use Him as a influence for our troubled times, but as breath every moment until our need for Him in involuntary, our instruction by Him necessity and our life possible only through Him. We must put our current abuse of His covenant and commands to death so that with Him we may live forever.

Changing the status quo

I must be honest here (as with elsewhere) I am not sure I am who people say I am. God only knows me, God only , God! As we move forward to a kingdom inheritance we are compelled to evaluate the direction in which we travel. Are we on the right path? When we look ahead do we see the destination we aim for? When we look back do we see our true origin? If niether or just one of these is off we are not on our cut path. Lately I have been looking at my origin I know that what I have proclaimed as my beginning is skewed from the truth, but as I look back I find no recollection of the path I have trodden. It is well time in my life to straighten things. My past and my future need to line up with where I am not run beside it. How is your path? Are you exactly who people say you are? Are you sure who you are? Life moves at a speed we cannot control no need to continue in denials of the truth. Do we need to straighten things out personally as well as ecuminically, for if my history in these forty years is skewed how much more is the history of the church? How skewed is our place in the kingdom?

Crying

It amazes me how the soul works that with the stinging pain of shedding tears one can feel a lift of joy yet with the joy comes the longing to return to that state of pained numbness which preceded all former misery til resolution and relief can be experienced. What move has one to take to turn the feelings of regret and remorse to those of joy for in the lord joy brings strength; however in a weakened state where can one find said joy and wherefrom does one turn to the lord? Where is my god? Where is my joy? Where am I?

Lacidaisical disillusions discouraging intelectual inspiration arousing disconcerting idealogical conversations continuing prominent stipulations converting companionship turmoil overbearing burdensome philosohies unwittingly.

Signs

Nothing pointing to any direction which should be taken. I am abandoned by reason and departed from logical existence. Broken,battered and abused, I wander through these streets waiting for a sign of what direction to take. There are no signs of where to go. There are only signs of what to do and claims of what is down the road, but nothing points to a destination for no destination here I seek.

Arise

I cannot be certain about death! I have been told that death along with taxes is certain and unavoidable; yet, I proclain in my being to hold the scripture as fact; therefore, death is powerless for me, for within scripture it is shown powerless and uneccesary for life. Death has no victory in me nor must anything of this earth; while the concepts of science and logic will affect me at times, they must not prevail less I deny the truth of resurection in the full promise of life. Arise! Stop caving in to death! Stop metering your life by the concept of time. Become a new transformed self in fellowship with eternity...BE transformed in your daily vigor, show the world your truth. Accept the cold criticism which will come to break you ad walk purely through this world reaching out to those in desperate need of life.

Repent

I have found that which I have desired in the everyday life as well as in the eternal. there is a goal which I feel necessary to obtain, yet I am painfully aware of the cost which I myself must pay to achieve. I press on forsaking all worldly entanglements to rid myself of the burden of guilt associated with the inevitability of failure. My goal is salvation, atonement, redemption, and fellowship of which I have already achieved by no power of my own, yet this which I have achieved I have yet to fully grasp for I have yet to come into the fullness of all that is in store for me. I repent! continuously, not because I have been already forgiven and redeemed, but because I am in need of forgiveness and redemption and it is given through my act of acceptance by repentance freely. I do not call those who have obtained all these things to repentance for they do not need or desire this work yet, but for those who long for it as a deer panting for gentle streams of water it awaits; it beckons to the broken, and calls to the worn down...repent, repent, be relieved of your burden and so more become absorbed by rest.

Paradox: Luke 21:1-4

The paradox in our religion is that there is with Christianity no developed levels of sin, yet within the scriptures we find highly developed levels of offerings and repentance. the degree of sinfulness is determined by the individual yet the price of sacrifice is defined at length in the law. While our community continues to speak of Jesus as the fulfillment of the law this same community speaks of proportioned giving. The reason this widows offering was the greatest is because she gave it all. It is what Jesus did in his atoning sacrifice. Modern Christianity is rating sin effects of that sin in the sinners life rather than on the effects of salvation in the sinners life. For if I sin only once and realize His salvation it was the worst, most vile sin ever done; yet if I live a life of sin and regret and never reach out for salvation then my sin was nothing, for it lead me toward nothing; until salvation came to me I could not realize sin.

New Decade

AS this new year unfolds and the beginning of the next ten years takes place, we remember the hopes and fears of the past ten years as we found a nation divided by war, by class, by every difference that has driven us apart beginning with the issue of knowledge. It seems hard to believe that just over ten years ago we saw our friends scamper to protect their information as the threat of Y2K robbed every tech savvy citizen of their waking hours. Banks went on alert, businesses backed up their inventory lists fearing the "bug" would wipe them out, and the home office began to explore the concept of using the calculator. The year 2000 passed without any major hoopla as did most of 2001, but as our mind were eased and our pride bruised by speculations of defeat our enemies readied and pounced in our hour of rest. This started the lengthy process of our nation being at war. Many lives lost, destroyed and broken, we saw little victory in our efforts to retaliate, but in the business of retaliation, any victory can be celebrated, yet will never suffice. Our nation, with a damaged pride, still debates the merits of war. Some take the stand against moving forward while others take the stand against remembering the past. Where is it one nation stands? And when is it that a nation falls?